If you did not have your needs met by your caregivers when you were a young child, it can have a detrimental effect on your adult relationships. This is not something that children simply “recover” from as they grow up. A lack of emotional fulfillment from your caregivers can influence you throughout your adult life.
These effects can be particularly pronounced in romantic relationships. You might have difficulty connecting with people and remain closed off to potential relationships. If you do have a romantic partner, you may have trouble fully trusting them or committing to staying with them long term. Often, unmet childhood needs are at the root of relationship troubles. Understanding how these unmet needs manifest can help you address these issues. Here’s how unmet needs in childhood can hold you back when it comes to adult relationships.
Low Self Esteem
Overall, unmet childhood needs can lead to low self-esteem in adulthood. Building self-esteem starts in childhood with supportive parenting, encouragement, and the recognition that your emotional needs matter. People who don’t receive this type of support can feel like their needs do not matter in adulthood. This mindset leads them to settle for people who don’t respect them. They might be prone to “settling” and feeling like they should accept a relationship with anyone who is mildly interested, even if they’re not a good fit.
Trust Issues
When you’re in a relationship, you might have trouble internalizing the idea that you can genuinely trust your partner. It can feel like you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even if they haven’t given you a reason to doubt them, you might constantly look for reasons that they might disappoint you. As a result, your partner might feel frustrated and pull away.
Fears of Abandonment
Maybe you grew up around both of your parents. Yet they did not attend to your needs when you were a child. Alternatively, one or both of your parents may not have been involved in your life. In adulthood, the effects of neglectful or absent parents can leave you constantly wondering whether your partner is going to walk away from you. Your fears of possible abandonment can even cause you to avoid relationships in the first place and turn people down before giving them a chance.
Difficulty Communicating and Navigating Conflicts
If you were taught that your needs did not matter in childhood, you might try to suppress your feelings around your partner and brush them aside. When they ask if you’re upset about something, you may not want to answer. At times, you might give in to emotional outbursts because you’ve held back your feelings for so long. It’s not easy to communicate in a calm manner and take a healthy approach to navigating conflicts when your needs were dismissed in childhood.
Troubles With Intimacy
Unmet needs in childhood can contribute to intimacy issues in adulthood. You might feel uncomfortable getting close to other people emotionally or physically. It can seem as though you have to protect yourself from potential fallout. A lack of intimacy can harm your romantic relationship, and you might find yourself wishing that you could find the spark with your partner. Yet when you try to open yourself up to intimacy, you fear getting too attached to a partner who could separate from you. It’s not easy to overcome these fears, and it can inhibit your relationship.
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Are you struggling to cope with the effect of unmet childhood needs? A therapist can help you move forward. Reach out to us to learn more about our relationship counseling services.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
