Perhaps your partner has expressed concerns about your relationship with a close friend. You see nothing inappropriate about your interactions. But your partner is uncomfortable with your frequent get-togethers and long conversations.
Maybe you’ve been worried about your partner’s coworker who always seems to text them at late hours.
You might have exchanged intimate messages with a friend that you suspected would make your partner uncomfortable. Your partner may have shared something private about your relationship with one of their friends. Now, you’re struggling with the feeling that your trust has been violated.
Even if you don’t engage in a physical affair, emotional infidelity can disrupt your romantic relationship. Here are a few ways to distinguish reasonable boundaries between emotional infidelity and close friendships.
Keeping Relationship Troubles Private
It’s normal to talk about your relationship with your friends. But if you’re sharing your relationship troubles with a friend before opening up to your partner when something upsets you, keep in mind that you may be laying the foundation for emotional infidelity. You don’t have to hide your romantic life from your friends. However, your partner should be the first person you talk to if you’re frustrated with an aspect of your private romantic relationship.
Honesty and Transparency
Knowing where to draw the line can help you and your partner respect each other’s wishes. Sometimes, one person is hurt by emotional infidelity specifically because their partner was not honest about the nature of their friendship with someone outside of the relationship.
For example, your partner might have downplayed the amount of time they spent with a friend, fibbed about contacting them, or even neglected to mention them at all. Being honest with in your relationship about your social circle and who you spend time with can bring valuable clarity.
Including Your Partner in Social Outings
Do you have a particular friend who you only hang out with when your partner isn’t around? Has your partner been spending time with someone who never extends an invitation to you?
Yes, it’s important for each person in a relationship to have their own friends, independent of one another. But trying to prevent a friend from meeting your partner, or making no effort to introduce your partner to someone you’re growing closer with, sets the stage for emotional infidelity. At the very least, it can cause your partner to become suspicious and resentful.
Treating Friends Equally
When you’ve been friends with someone for a long time, or they supported you through a challenging time in life, it’s natural that you’ll feel especially close to them. But when it comes to friendships with a potential for romantic attraction, treating one friend differently than the others might prompt your partner to raise an eyebrow.
Likewise, if you’ve realized that your partner tends to go the extra mile for a seemingly casual friend or acquaintance, it might spark fears of emotional infidelity.
Avoid Intimate In-Depth Conversations
Your partner might feel that certain intimate topics, like your sex life as a couple, should be off limits with friends. Maybe you’re fine with more open discussions about these details. However, it is crucial for partners to come to an agreement about what’s fine to say to friends, and what should be kept private between the two of you. Overstepping these boundaries and talking about intimacy with close friends can quickly blur the line into flirting and set an inappropriate tone. This can turn into emotional infidelity.
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Are you and your partner struggling to set boundaries? Have boundaries already been crossed and you’re seeking to overcome emotional infidelity? Schedule a consultation to see if emotionally focused couples counseling is a good fit for you and your relationship.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
