Perhaps you’re single for the first time in a while, and you’ve realized that you don’t want to fall for the same kinds of partners that you’ve traditionally dated. Maybe you’ve had your heart broken by several people who exhibited the same red flags. Yet for some reason, it was those very same qualities that attracted you at the beginning of the relationship. You wish that you had been able to spot the red flags from the start, but it was hard to think beyond the initial spark.
Why do red flags draw people in instead of repelling them? Let’s explore why red flags can be so deceptively attractive in romantic relationships.
Mistaking Anxiety for Romantic Butterflies
When you meet someone who seems noncommittal, confusing, or even emotionally volatile, you might feel a bit nervous around them. They keep you on your toes and leave you wondering how they’re really feeling. You frequently think about whether or not they’re interested in you. You want to “figure them out” because they’re ambiguous. Every time they cross your mind, you notice the butterflies in your stomach.
However, those butterflies aren’t a sign of budding romance. In reality, they’re just anxiety. You’re simply nervous around this person. But we often believe butterflies are a glimmer of attraction due to cultural messaging. Therefore, you end up confusing anxiety with romance.
Chasing Immediate Strong Chemistry
Have you ever started talking to someone who seemed kind and shared many of your interests, yet you didn’t experience butterflies around them? You might have assumed that this lack of nervousness meant that you simply weren’t attracted to them, and, as a result, you never considered them as a romantic prospect. But just because you don’t feel immediate, strong chemistry with someone, or develop a “crush” on them, doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be compatible. In fact, those feelings can distract you from incompatibilities. Chemistry can take time to develop, and being patient can create space for real chemistry to grow.
Repeating Patterns Learned from Family
When you were young, you learned about relationships from your caregivers. This wasn’t a conscious process, but you saw your first examples of relationships among your parents, guardians, older siblings, or other adult relatives. Whatever you noticed about their relationships contributed to your mental model of “normal” relationships.
Chances are, you might have overlooked some of your caregivers’ unhealthy behaviors within their relationships. As you grew up, you may have continued seeking out partners who displayed these same qualities. Familiar characteristics attract us to certain people. But unfortunately, this can cause people to look for partners that have multiple red flags, over and over again.
Low Self-Worth
If you have a low sense of self-worth, you might find yourself seeking out partners with red flags. It’s easy to assume that you don’t deserve better if you’ve been hurt several times in your past relationships. Just as we subconsciously look for partners who remind us of our caregivers, we can also end up falling for people who share qualities with past partners.
The Thrill of a Challenge
Finally, sometimes red flags present the thrill of a challenge. The idea of dating someone who is stable and calm might seem boring if you’re used to rollercoaster relationships. Instead, you might be intrigued by the thought of “fixing” someone. At first, this might seem more romantic, but a healthy relationship is built on mutual growth.
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Do you find that you’re repeatedly drawn to red flags in relationships? Schedule a free consultation with us to explore our relationship counseling services, or book an in-person or online therapy session.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
