Maybe you constantly put pressure on yourself to be perfect for your partner. You might feel like you always have to look polished, act engaging and entertaining in private and in social settings, and accompany them to everything they invite you to. Additionally, you may be trying to participate in their hobbies and interests, even if you’re not particularly passionate about these activities.
You’re worried that if your partner sees “the real you,” they will lose interest. Yet deep down, you know that you’re putting up a facade. You can’t maintain these standards forever.
It’s not possible to be “perfect” for your partner. Yet our culture can make it seem as though you don’t deserve a partner if you have flaws. These tips can guide you in shifting your perspective and releasing the expectation of perfection.
Stop Assuming That Other Couples Are Perfect
Perhaps you feel as though you have to be perfect because on the outside, it looks like every other couple is perfect. But keep in mind that you do not see what happens behind the scenes in every relationship.
All couples have their own problems. Each relationship involves two imperfect individuals coming together to build a life. You might assume that relationships are smooth sailing for everyone else. Yet you may be surprised to learn about some of the problems the couples you know are dealing with behind the scenes.
Reflect on Realistic Expectations
When you recognize that your relationship does not have to be perfect, you can start focusing on realistic standards. You may want to consider how you can conduct yourself when you’re disagreeing with your partner and how you can balance your time alone with your time as a partner. Furthermore, you can think about ways to make space for your interests while honoring your partner’s passions.
Open Up to Your Partner
As you think about the standards you can realistically hold for your relationship, you’ll want to open up to your partner about how you’re feeling. If you’ve only recently gotten together, they might also be experiencing the pressure to be perfect. They’ll probably be relieved to hear that you want to work together to step away from this standard. They might want to share similar expectations they’ve been holding themselves to, and how it’s made them feel.
Accept Your Own Flaws
Where does the tendency towards perfectionism in a relationship come from? It often means that you’re having a hard time accepting your own flaws as an individual. Your parents might have held unreasonable standards for you growing up. You may have had to work very hard to build an adult life for yourself with no room to make mistakes.
Learning how to speak to yourself as you would a good friend, forgive yourself for mishaps, and embrace your flaws can take time. But doing so will relieve your anxiety about perfectionism.
Explore the Possibility of Couples Therapy
What if you simply can’t break free from your perfectionist standards on your own? Maybe you’ve felt this way for so long that you can’t let yourself relax. Perhaps changing some of your behaviors has left your partner feeling confused, but you don’t want to give up on your relationship. If you need assistance navigating this journey, you may want to turn to a couples therapist. The right therapist can help you and your partner figure out what you truly want for the future of your relationship.
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If you have been struggling with placing unrealistic expectations on yourself in your relationship, give us a call to see how couples therapy can help you let go of the pressure to be perfect.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
